How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?   – On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   – Leeks

What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   -  Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That’s more than can be said for his ship.

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises – Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.

What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? – Nothing, the bottoms dropped out of both.

At least A is still Apple.

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.

You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night.

You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece.

You� circle the car looking for dents and find none.

But .

Wait a minute.

.

.

.

JibJab
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]]>http://www.kevinscrate.com/blog/2008/10/04/time-for-some-campaignin-with-jibjab/feed/0 http://www.kevinscrate.com/blog/2008/09/06/trip-to-walmart-joke/ http://www.kevinscrate.com/blog/2008/09/06/trip-to-walmart-joke/#comments Sat, 06 Sep 2008 20:28:39 +0000 Kevin http://www.kevinscrate.com/blog/?p=1613 [...]]]> .

A Trip to Walmart sent in by Carol.

Wal-Mart Trip

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20′s:
Stop what you are doing Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30′s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40′s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50′s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms.’

In your 60′s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50′s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70′s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don’t even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80′s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to
Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a  ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

3. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups.

4. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line.

5. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

6. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

7. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble anyway.

8. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.

9. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That’ll get us going.

10. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.

Ok here’s a couple more.

11. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

12. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money.

13. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

14. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

15. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we’re taking a leak. We’re good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

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Sent in by loose_tutu. if you have a joke or funny picture to share send it to Jokes @KevinsCrate.com

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1. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

2. Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

4. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer’s involvement in other computer’s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

5. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

6. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

7. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

8. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

9. George Bush virus: Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until November.

10. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

11. Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

12. PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

13. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.

14. Right To Life virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

15. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

16. Warren Commission virus: Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Ok so it was the top 16 types of computer viruses, I couldn’t narrow it down any more.

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Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern.

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.

Got a funny one? send it in Jokes@kevinscrate.com

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CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

Joke of the Week was sent in by Kilina, Thanks

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Thanks to dale08 who sent in this joke.

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If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If you have a joke to share send it to jokes@kevinscrate.com

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is “Huntin”.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you’d like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

If your hipbone is connected to your BlackBerry or your thighbone is connected to your cell phone, those vibrations you’re feeling in the car, in your pajamas, in the shower, may be coming from your headbone.

“It’s like, my phone should be ringing,” he said. “It’s anticipatory vibrations.”

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

We men always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules! Please note, these rules are numbered in the order of priority. Share these with your wives!!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it
down You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach ,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like
nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or if I should
have used a 9-iron.

1. You have enough clothes!

1. You have too many shoes!

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind this; it’s like camping
out.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name, it is: “FLAAAAARIDA”.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon.  The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 PM.    Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph.  On I-95 your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to run you off the road while giving you the finger.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.  The rules are different here!  Florida has its own version of traffic rules.  For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.  However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone!  Ever!!  Seriously!!!  It’s another offense that can get you shot!!!!

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida.  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.

11. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or better yet —run them off the road.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. If you are going to yell anything out the window, make sure it is in Spanish!

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    * A “don’t remind me again” button.
    * Minimize button.
    * Ability to delete the “headache” file
    * An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
    * An option to run the network driver in “promiscuous mode” allowing the the system’s Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won’t install and you will get an “insufficient resources” error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and ” never” run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don’t even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters

9. Instead Of “Friends Of The Bride Or
Friends Of The Groom?” Ushers Ask “Ford
Or Chevy?”

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

7. Phrase “I Do” Replaced By “I Heard
That”

6. Tender Rendition Of “The Wedding
Song” Performed By Pinkard & Bowden

5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This
Woman To Be Married…Some Guy In The
Back Stands Up And Hollers “Earnhardt!”

4. Reception Conversation Includes The
Phrase “So What Have You Been Doing
Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?”

3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna
Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos

2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening
Include Tickets To The Monster Truck
Show

…And The Number One Way To Tell If
You’re At A Redneck Wedding…

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt…No
Shoes…No Problem!

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

    * 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
    * 17 times it was too late
    * 49 times you were too tired
    * 20 times it was too hot
    * 15 times you pretended to be sleep
    * 22 times you had a headache
    * 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
    * 16 times you said you were too sore
    * 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
    * 19 times you had to get up early
    * 9 times you said weren?t in the mood
    * 7 times you were sunburned
    * 6 times you were watching the late show
    * 5 times you didn?t want to mess up your new hairdo
    * 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
    * 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

    * 6 times you just laid there
    * 8 times you reminded me there?s a crack in the ceiling
    * 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
    * 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
    * 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn?t get more than you did:

    * 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
    * 36 times you did not come home at all
    * 21 times you didn?t come with energy
    * 33 times you came too soon
    * 19 times you went soft before you got in
    * 38 times you worked too late
    * 10 times you got cramps in your toes
    * 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
    * 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
    * 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
    * 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
    * 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
    * 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
    * 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
    * 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

    * The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
    * I wasn?t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, ?Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling??
    * The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it’s a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”.

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway”.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis.
Serves You Right, You Sinner!

Management Lesson – To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the
energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied
the bull, “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson – Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t
keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy,and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

Do you have a good Joke you’d like to share. Send it to Jokes and I’ll add it in a future post.

The Code of Man Laws.
The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

 
1: Under NO circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours

.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy’s choice.

 
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who’s playing.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a
topless waitress and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you ‘d better be
talking about his choice of beer

.20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a ) Yeah , Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

JibJab Originals are the classic funny videos created by the JibJab team. You’ll find your favorite hilarious flash animations like ‘This Land’, ‘Big Box Mart’, ’2-0-5′, ‘Good to Be in D.C.’ and more – they got more over-sized pumpkin heads and dancing politicos than you can shake a stick at! You may have seen them on the Tonight Show announcing their newest video The Star Spangled Banner.

Find them Here. http://www.jibjab.com/

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years.You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.” The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

“When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,

All night having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ….. “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

Are you addicted to blogging? You know you blog too much if…

I found This list at http://jonathandeamer.com/ drop by his site to see the complete list.

1. You have to turn back on your way to the airport because you forgot to “tell” your blog that you’re going away.
2. You sneak off during a date to check your hit stats.
3. You update Twitter about your life more than you actually live it. (Thanks Gina!)
4. You think LSD is something to do with RSS or XML.
5. Your family don’t call anymore, they just check your blog.
6. You have daydreams about links from Boing Boing.
7. You pray to Steve Pavlina.
8. You eat blogging. You sleep blogging. You drink coffee.
9. You think Nike should make a shirt that says “just blog it”.
10. You would buy it if they did.

____________________________________________

One: Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Two: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Three: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Four: Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Five: Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

Six: Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Seven: Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Eight: Be happy to see him.

Nine: Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Ten: Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Eleven: Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Twelve: Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Thirteen: Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Fourteen: Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Fifteen: Make him comfortable. Make him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Sixteen: Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Seventeen: Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Eighteen: A good wife always knows her place.

And he lived happily ever after.

1. A mandatory evacuation means just that… Get the hell out. Don’t blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn’t said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out… if you didn’t, it’s your fault, not theirs.
(We don’t want to hear it, even if you don’t have a car, you can get out.)

2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables, you need a weeks supply, If you didn’t do this, it’s not the government’s fault you’re starving.

2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV’s, DVD’s and CD’s are not edible. Leave them alone.)

2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor’s tv and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn’t give you the right to take their stuff… it’s theirs, not yours.

3. If someone comes in to help you, don’t shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I’m not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn’t leave when told to do so.

4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they’ll die in the filth. Just leave!

5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar beach house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn’t go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn’t build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

6. Regardless what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn’t create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russians as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn’t cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We’ve been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

7. The government isn’t responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living.

President Kennedy said it best… “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

What more needs to be said.

What More needs to be said

Your parents are there, 

Your in-laws are there, 

Your boss and his wife are there, 

The minister and his wife are there, 

You’re all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner, 

Then in walks the dog…….  

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don’t get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often found
visiting other locations.
You lack initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed
the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering,
and exiting, the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management Go ahead and Digg it!!

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What more needs to be said.

Subject: Man Law

The Code of Man Laws.
Body: The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

 1: Under NO circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
 
 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
 
 (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
 (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.  
 (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.  
 (d) When she is using her teeth.
  
 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
 killed and eaten by his buddies.

  
 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
 friend out of jail within 12 hours.

  
 5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
 limits forever unless you actually marry her.
 
 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
 forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 
 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
 another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy’s choice.

 
 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
 the weakest.
 
 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
 may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
 brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
 purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
  

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
 you’re sunning on a tropical beach and it’s delivered by a topless
 waitress and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
 allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
  
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
 
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

 16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as
 spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
 drink as much as the other sports watchers. >

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
 remain sober enough to fight.
 
 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
 pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
 
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
 talking about his choice of beer.
 
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
 yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
 
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
 weights:
 a ) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
 b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
 c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
 
 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
 footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
 acceptable for her to drive yours.
 
 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
 green, orange or sky blue.
 
 27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for
 Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an
 Xbox. End of story.
 
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
 Gymnastics. Ever.
 
29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you
 really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
 informed, the definition of each is listed below:
 
 ” GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
 being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

 “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”
 
 I hope this clears up any confusion,

 The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

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HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN

 1. You have to believe that the nation’s current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday’s gasoline prices are all Clinton‘s fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don’t deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

Press Release
Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship — Jessie Jackson & Al Sharpton
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding– Barney Frank Presiding
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally –Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech: The proper etiquette for surrender–French
President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay –
Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. ?Why I hate the Military?; A short talk by William Jefferson
Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by
Michael Moore
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade
Center Towers– Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals — John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state . .

“RUN HILLARY RUN”

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

 What more needs to be said.

Extremely adictive !!!

The game involves four different particles falling from the top of the screen, which all look and move similar to sand. The particles resemble sand, water, salt, and oil in color. Along with these four, additional elements can be placed on the screen with the mouse, some that are solid and stationary instead of flowing. By mixing the different elements together, many colorful designs, complex structures, and systems can be created.

http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/

20 Questions.

See how long it takes to guess the answer. Sometimes it will amaze you.

Each 20Q game listed below has a unique theme and its own neural network. Some of the games are very young and still have a lot to learn. For instance, 20Q Movies and 20Q TV don’t know as much as the eighteen-year-old Classic 20Q. The newer games haven’t had as much experience and may make mistakes. The more times you play, the smarter they’ll get.

http://www.20q.net/

“Down South” means Key West

“Panhandling” means going to Pensacola.

You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it’s Easter or Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show’s “Grand Prize” is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

You know the four seasons really ! are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It’s not soda, cola, or pop…it’s coke, regardless of brand or flavor, “What kinda coke you want?”

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You’ve hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it’s better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

Bumperstickers on the pickup in! front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn’t swim.

You get angry when people say “Florida isn’t really part of the SOUTH”

You’ve worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the “stingray shuffle” is, and why it’s important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as ” Northern Cuba”

NEW YORK (AP) – In the sensitive post-wardrobe malfunction world, some are questioning whether a guitar was just a guitar during Prince’s Super Bowl halftime show.(or was it something else)

 Doesn’t everybody remember the Purple Rain tour from the 80′s.

What more needs to be said, Want more click below.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/6447016

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ’cause you know they’ll enjoy it & do the same!

1: You worry more about traffic to your blog than traffic to your job.

2: RSS Feeds are more important to you than food.

3: You visit more Blog Carnivals than parties.

4: You pepper your daily conversation with high-profile keywords in order to attract more listeners.

5: You spend more time checking your adsense account than your real one.

6: When friends fancy a chat, you submit them to a word recognition widget before accepting their comments.

7: When asked for your home address, you give the URL of your blog.

The answer lies at the back of the brain in an area called the cerebellum, which is involved in monitoring movements. Our studies at University College London have shown that the cerebellum can predict sensations when your own movement causes them but not when someone else does. When you try to tickle yourself, the cerebellum predicts the sensation and this prediction is used to cancel the response of other brain areas to the tickle.

Two brain regions are involved in processing how tickling feels. The somatosensory cortex processes touch and the anterior cingulate cortex processes pleasant information. We found that both these regions are less active during self-tickling than they are during tickling performed by someone else, which helps to explains why it doesn’t feel tickly and pleasant when you tickle yourself. Further studies using robots showed that the presence of a small delay between your own movement and the resulting tickle can make the sensation feel tickly. Indeed, the longer the delay, the more tickly it feels. So it might be possible to tickle yourself, if you are willing to invest in a couple of robots!

Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

My family never raised me to have a vagina.
Roseanne

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley

Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen

Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It’s funny because I think it’s better inside.
Alex Walsh

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder

Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Lord, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet.
St. Augustine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Tom Clancy

You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne

Sent by Carol

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq , here’s a sobering statistic.

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months and a total of 2,112 deaths

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.