1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
3. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups.
4. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line.
5. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
6. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
7. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble anyway.
8. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.
9. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That’ll get us going.
10. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.
Ok here’s a couple more.
11. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.
12. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money.
13. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
14. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.
15. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we’re taking a leak. We’re good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.
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