mr potato Fewer than half of your cars run.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.