By Tony Via Email.

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

    * 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
    * 17 times it was too late
    * 49 times you were too tired
    * 20 times it was too hot
    * 15 times you pretended to be sleep
    * 22 times you had a headache
    * 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
    * 16 times you said you were too sore
    * 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
    * 19 times you had to get up early
    * 9 times you said weren?t in the mood
    * 7 times you were sunburned
    * 6 times you were watching the late show
    * 5 times you didn?t want to mess up your new hairdo
    * 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
    * 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

    * 6 times you just laid there
    * 8 times you reminded me there?s a crack in the ceiling
    * 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
    * 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
    * 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn?t get more than you did:

    * 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
    * 36 times you did not come home at all
    * 21 times you didn?t come with energy
    * 33 times you came too soon
    * 19 times you went soft before you got in
    * 38 times you worked too late
    * 10 times you got cramps in your toes
    * 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
    * 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
    * 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
    * 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
    * 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
    * 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
    * 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
    * 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

    * The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
    * I wasn?t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, ?Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling??
    * The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.